If You Were Mine





“From the moment we knew you were on the way,
Our thoughts of you brought light to the day.
I longed to see your precious smile,
But my dear little one, we must wait a while.

We dream of who you will grow to be,
We dream of dreams all yet to be.
We longed to share your lovely smile,
But my dear little one, we must wait a while.

Do you know that we’ve danced many a time?
That the voices you’ve heard singing were your daddy’s and mine?
We’ve hoped for the day when we could meet your smile,
But my dear little one we must wait a while.

Our tears fall upon your tiny bed,
The place we were to lay your head.
I long to kiss you and show you my smile,
But, my dear little one, we must wait a while.

We miss you my love and will meet you someday,
We will watch you sing and dance and play,
There may not be many smiles now, but oh my dear…just wait a while.”

This morning we had a memorial service for our twins, James and Agape, who were miscarried in January two years ago.  Yes, it’s been two years, but sometimes the events of life put a hold on our grief and it needs room to resurface, and be made complete.

While there is no full sense this side of heaven of true completeness, there is a shadow of it that comes from the fellowship of the body of Christ. Our little church gathered together with us. Many couples in the congregation had also experienced miscarriage and perhaps even abortion, and our purpose was to honor ALL of those little ones for the lives they had, and continue to live though it is far from us.

It was beautiful, freeing, and immensely comforting.

Below is a recording I made of the song we chose to share, done several days before today. I was desperately trying not to cry too hard today, a recording would have been impossible :-).

If You Were Mine by Fernando Ortega for every mother and father who is waiting a while to meet their children again.

My Garden Cup


This is my new mug, which I bought for coffee during Hebrew lectures.  It’s part of a set that I absolutely loved, with many great little sayings, but this one truly represents my journey at this time of life. Enjoy, do not take for granted, appreciate, value each moment; there are dozens of adjectives that could be used to convey the idea in English. But “love” implies that there is more to be valued than an emotion of pleasure.

To love is as much of a choice as it is a reality. Love itself becomes the greatest reality for us who believe that the Trinity is Love, and by considering Christ, LOVE becomes a living, breathing entity with whom we interact. Therefore to love each moment is, or could be, an acknowledgment of the reality of love in every moment of time.  So you can see that the implication is far more than fuzzy wuzzy feelings every minute of the day.


Look at the moment around you and in you.

Acknowledge it, for it is; joyful, confusing, painful or pleasant.

Then, with purpose, place Christ into the context of your moment.  Don’t interpret his presence by changing the moment itself to what you think it should be. Just let Christ be who he is in the same place, mentally, physically and emotionally, with you.

That is the words on my cup. But I also love the flowers and the bright orange boundary around the garden setting. This reminds me that once I’ve moved over and made room for Love, for me this is Christ, and let him BE with you, look around you to the greater context of your garden.

You may find that you are now seeing things differently. And as the Hebrew word for seeing implies, ra’ah, you may also begin to understand a different way of living the moments that are to follow.

BE still, and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10


Feed my Sheep

In an effort to get back into writing again, something which feeds me, I’ve decided to post snippets and thoughts from Dr. Tim Laniak’s devotional on Biblical shepherding.  My husband and I are reading through it day by day and being immensely encouraged, as well as strongly challenged. Here’s a bit on day 8

Today’s devotion was on Feed my Sheep. Did you know that Bedouin shepherds know over 100 types of vegetation, their uses, nutritional value and where they grow? And I was overwhelmed reading about how much effort goes in to grazing the sheep every day. Dr. Laniak says that in Jesus’ rebuke of Peter in John 21 emphasizes that “leading means feeding.” WOW. that is far more intentional than just a command to serve. It’s service BY feeding. Like a mother or father feeds their newborn.

The challenge is this, what are we feeding our flocks? Do we spend time searching and studying the sources of spiritual vegetation in their lives, and ours, so that they can be healthy, vibrant and give birth to strong healthy lambs. Or have we become convinced that a simple rugged diet of entertainment and thin grass is enough to keep them from being poisoned? Do we give our infants water with a little sugar, or we provide them with rich, nutrient filled milk?  This challenged me today because so much of my time is meant to be exactly that kind of thoughtful and intentional learning so that I can feed others. But I easily forget the long term needs of the “bread” I’m being given in favour of just getting through an assignment.

“As a teacher, my favorite compliment is ‘thank you for feeding my soul'” Laniak, pg 63. Mine too 🙂

And finally, “Do we feed our people well but do not teach them to feed themselves?” There comes a point where a child is helpless if she cannot decide for herself what to eat. The milk has always been good but her body needs more now. What should she give it? Dr. Laniak points out the diet of TV right away as the most common supplement. It keeps us from eating well physically or spiritually.

“Feed my Sheep”



From a Facebook Memory

This post popped up in my memories feed today and while it doesn’t touch on what we learned during a miscarriage, and the feeding difficulties from my daughter which were later, it is still a vital part of parenting. Now that I’m working my way towards an academic doctorate and a few more years of parenting under my belt, this is still true. Our little story saved lives, and validated mothers who were years away from their own traumatic duties but still feeling the frustration. You’ll always be afraid to tell your story, but conquer it! You might be just what the doctor ordered.

The most important thing I’ve learned in mothering is to trust my instincts.When I first started noticing that something with Samuel was not right, it was very difficult to convince anyone else. Everyone had good intentions and there are many anxieties for young mothers that relax over time and so the encouragement did bring a measure of peace, but this was different, and it wasn’t getting better.  During the first months of feeding problems that led to the discovery of Samuels abnormally small airway, I met two wonderful lactation consultants who both would tell me, “trust your instincts!” It gave me confidence to act and do many things that I am sure, short of hospitalization, saved my son’s life. Now, the point isn’t to constantly be looking for something to go wrong with your precious baby, but you need to know that you are his mother and that there well be times when doctors are wrong and you know it in your gut but don’t know what to do. Trust yourself. At least enough to go look for another opinion, or to find help like what God brought to me. I never thought I would visit a speech therapist regularly for my infant, but she and my lactation consultant saved my sons life. They helped me put the puzzle pieces together as his mother, trusting the information I gave to figure out how to help him breath and eat, showing me how to strengthen his tiny mouth to be able to suck.

We’re going to visit the speech therapist today for help with eating solids. My grandfather says, You all never had eating problems! That may be true, but it made me wonder how many mothers and fathers lived with months, even years of frustration with a new born and young toddler because they assumed the behavior was normal. Samuel thrusts his tongue. Most babies do and it is supposed to go away at about 6 months. His didn’t and so rather than wait and be frustrated with the feeding mess as squash and peas dribbled down his chin, I started some things on my own from what I learned while nursing to help him stop. He is a pro now in my mind and learning fast, but I’m going to take him to an expert anyway. Not to try to find a problem where there is none, but because I know it is what’s best for Samuel! I don’t want him to just be a good eater, I want him to be a great eater, and it’s my job as his parent to help him achieve that. School has started already! From day one. And YOU mommy and daddy are the best, most well equipped teacher your children can have. There are people out there who will listen to you if you need help, doctors who trust their patients, nurses, lactation consultants, speech therapists, and other parents. Don’t be afraid, even if you are wrong, to say, “no, I don’t think that’s right.” Every child you raise is a doctoral thesis, if you truly feel uneducated, learn! and find people to teach you. Don’t underestimate yourself or what you believe to be best for your child!


My son now, practicing his daddy skills.