If You Were Mine





“From the moment we knew you were on the way,
Our thoughts of you brought light to the day.
I longed to see your precious smile,
But my dear little one, we must wait a while.

We dream of who you will grow to be,
We dream of dreams all yet to be.
We longed to share your lovely smile,
But my dear little one, we must wait a while.

Do you know that we’ve danced many a time?
That the voices you’ve heard singing were your daddy’s and mine?
We’ve hoped for the day when we could meet your smile,
But my dear little one we must wait a while.

Our tears fall upon your tiny bed,
The place we were to lay your head.
I long to kiss you and show you my smile,
But, my dear little one, we must wait a while.

We miss you my love and will meet you someday,
We will watch you sing and dance and play,
There may not be many smiles now, but oh my dear…just wait a while.”

This morning we had a memorial service for our twins, James and Agape, who were miscarried in January two years ago.  Yes, it’s been two years, but sometimes the events of life put a hold on our grief and it needs room to resurface, and be made complete.

While there is no full sense this side of heaven of true completeness, there is a shadow of it that comes from the fellowship of the body of Christ. Our little church gathered together with us. Many couples in the congregation had also experienced miscarriage and perhaps even abortion, and our purpose was to honor ALL of those little ones for the lives they had, and continue to live though it is far from us.

It was beautiful, freeing, and immensely comforting.

Below is a recording I made of the song we chose to share, done several days before today. I was desperately trying not to cry too hard today, a recording would have been impossible :-).

If You Were Mine by Fernando Ortega for every mother and father who is waiting a while to meet their children again.


In the Church – a part of my art journey


Why the Church Needs Artists

A good friend of mine shared this brief article with me and it is worth a read. I have contemplating the words all week, and not just his words but the voice of the writer! There is such heart and longing that resonates with something I’ve struggled to articulate for YEARS.

Most people think I’m a great manager. I get lots of complements on my administrative “gifting” and have ended up in leadership positions since I was a child. I’m not saying I did everything right or was the best person, heavens no. Anyone in a spot light knows or learns how easy it is to make a mess instead of organize. This is just a fact about myself, and I even like it!  But there is another side to me that I know has been missed.  It feel it when I put out new ideas in church groups or business teams. I fight it when I’m told things like “that’s not how we do it” or when someone thinks I’m wrong and doesn’t say it, they just don’t support the new project.  It cuts to my heart when I get the “look” from a
Pastor or authority figure that says, “what am I going to do with you you just won’t fit in”.  It’s there but I’ve never been able to put it into words.

I’m an artist.

These quotes stood out to me-

Artists honor the past without being bound by it. They propel us into the future by helping us see it. Even if we’re not ready for it yet.”

“Artists don’t give us what we want. They show us something we didn’t even know we needed.”

“Artists don’t debate what style of music (or teaching, preaching and lighting) is best. They give us new ways of doing it.”

Yes yes yes! These are the words!  I can instantly give half a dozen stories where I these quotes articulate exactly what I was feeling and fighting with. They have stayed with me because I have never yet been able to say WHY it bothered me so much. Why, when I’d get some kind of honor for administration I’d want to scream, This Isn’t Me!!!! And why I feel hurt and misunderstood.

Am I alone? I don’t think so. I’m a teacher! I’ve met dozens of people, old and young, who have had their creativity ignored, crushed or buried and only need someone to come say “We want you! We want how you think. We think that idea is crazy but we’ll give it everything we’ve got because we love you!” What we’ll be difficult now is that so many beautiful artists have buried themselves, like me, and may not even know why they just aren’t content. (Don’t get all philosophical here, God saying we should be content in every season in life does NOT include the ones we wrongly force upon ourselves or the ones in which others silence us and keep us restrained. Missionaries don’t stop preaching in prison do they?)

I’m one of the fortunate few who also can be administrative and so I’ve managed to painstakingly carve out an almost me-shaped relief where I can still be in community with churches and ministries, but it’s so hard. And most do not try. Oh, how the church would grow, especially in this country, if we learned to create space for these crazy artistic people, and every day in this new world I’m learning the words we need to help teach the church how to do that. But this post is really about me. I’ve got to break free and live this God given part of who I am again or I will suffocate and abandon the church body completely.  God put this in my hands today so I could change, the healing and rest that still needs to come I’m sure will be here shortly.

Shall we commemorate this revelation with a song?

I HOPE you dance!!!

Homeschooling at three

This has got to be one of the funniest and most fun parts of my day. My son is only three but gosh what a perfect time to fill his little world. It’s slow and gradual, he has a schedule but HE doesn’t know it. To him it’s just a bit of work that’s sometimes frustrating but most of the time GREAT! Here’s what we do for writing every other day which are reading/writing/art/music days!

First, I turned art into writing practice. We started with circles, lots of circles 🙂


A few days of circles and he started noticing other things which are made of circles! He let me guide his hand while drawing a toy train, starting with the wheels of course.


The scribble is his little sister’s addition. She sits and reads her books or draws her own scribbles next to us, and when it’s Sammy’s turn to do it all by himself she let’s me teach her to draw.

While we drew the train I told him about lines and squares and other shapes he knows, combining auditory with visual and physical learning. The plan is to lead him to straight and angled lines next. The circles are just becoming second nature. But, to keep it interesting, I added numbers and control. Sounds complicated but take a look!


I did the first circles in pen (mine need work too haha) he had to draw IN the first circle, ON the second circle, and outside the third circle. This kind of came to me as we worked but it turned out great. He had to led me guide his hand to help the muscle memory but can then go to town with just verbal help! I feel like I’m getting all academic on ya but this was a lot of fun for both of us. You don’t freak out if he does it wrong, he’s three!


Here’s a veggie tales character he wanted me to draw and then he added the embellishment. See the circles?

The trick is taking advantage of when he is really wanting to learn and have help and then knowing when to back off and let him try. I don’t get it right all the time and we both have our moments. But, this is our second week and he is learning so much.  The alphabet is just circles and lines, so is art! 

The last thing we do, that I don’t have pictures of, is actual letters.  They are big, messy and we do them together and separately. Eventually he’ll have enough interest that I can take him up to the volleyball sand pit to draw and write. Now it’s time to turn on some Beethoven for listening time. Even an hour a day of classical music in the background helps all those little brain juices 🙂


Schubert is Samuels favorite. (Schubert is technically Romantic for all you music buffs).